Back on the stuff,
but is it enough?
without it, it’s tough to get by.
Just a little a day
makes the pain
go away
but is that really a way
to survive?
after all
Adderrall
is what they tell me to try
I am just afraid
I’ll become a slave
to the feeling, the focus, the drive.
For now, I am still in control,
I write better I am told,
and I work happier and healthier. OK
Who am I to play doctor?
Isn’t that what the drugs are for?
still I wonder and struggle and pray
that some day I won’t need them,
I’ll be all clean and even,
and my sick brain will be fine.
my problems are small,
thank god for you all,
all that I do is whine.

a psychiatrist
showed me what I missed
and now I take a pill
hopefully I won’t become a statistic,
a junkie who becomes addicted,
a loser with no will
as I lay down my head,
I wonder alone in my bed,
If I’ll make it out this time.

So I generally don’t write about my psychological issues much on here, I generally reserve this space for music reviews but what with a return to poetry and freestyle writing and recent goings on I thought I’d update this blog with somethings on my mind.  I was diagnosed Bipolar six years ago, and I have been on a number of different combinations of medications since.  A few years back I was first given Adderrall along with an anti depressant to combat some erratic thinking and help me control my thoughts and focus my short attention span.  However, being young and having access to such a strong stimulant, coupled with the company I kept, and an admittedly addictive personality (See Cigarettes a poem), I abused it.  I went down a dark road but then due to a lot of effort and with support I broke free from the habit.  I stopped and haven’t needed it in years.  Flash forward to 2017 and after a consultation with a new Psychiatrist, whom I made aware of my history, I asked him maybe if I could try it again.  This time it is different, I don’t have access to the bottle and I am only taking it as prescribed.  The dosage is small, and I am playing it safe.  So far I have been better at work.  I also have been writing again and because of my history and hesitance to repeat my previous failings I have stopped drinking and cut back on smoking on the side.  I am still a little worried, the poem above captures my reluctance and my hesitation.

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